Dating, After the apocalypse by Vaughn Stelzenmuller
A very important person recently suggested that I write about the future of dating, what with all the recent bad sex-news. This is not that “capital-A” Apocalypse thing, with panicked people running around, buildings afire, and huge earthquakes gobbling streets and busloads of bug-eyed Apocalypse-bound citizens. This “small-a” apocalypse gets set in 2037AD, after which I will be dead, or worse, beyond any useful dating range.
Oh, this same important “she” recommended interviewing a variety of people to get a good grasp of what an average cross-section believed about dating in the future. At least within driving distance.
A huge job, so first:
Postulate Number 1: Humans have the same biological wiring for the last 100,000-plus years. People in the know say, “anatomically modern humans” (AMHs).
Postulate Number 2: We AMHs may have the technology to see & hear farther, and text-message more quickly than our ancestors, but the basic AMH body still processes like eons ago. No faster, no brighter.
Okay. Time to roll up the sleeves and get to work. For us boys, this also displays our forearms. Now we are stuck with interviewing a rather large number of 21st-century AMHs: ages, genders (Facebook has 51, let’s settle for 12), races, nationalities, marital status, politics, socioeconomics, etcetera.
Doing the math, we must get one thousand six-hundred interviews. Two hours each.
Then there’s analysis. It’s a sure bet that half the people will be lying to either me or themselves. Or just changing their minds. Both are normal, but this project must end well before my apocalypse! We are forced to use the two Postulates and from my own AMH-inherited brain. Since world population continues to increase, the natural-rights dating system must be working!
I have only been an AMH boy, so I only really know half of this natural-rights dating system. Before calling a new date, we boy-AMHs have to get upset stomachs, sweats, and vague doubts. Then at the time for action, get tongue-tied when confronting the girl, either in person or by telephone. Real boys never ask for a date by computer. That would lack courage and should never be trusted. So now,
Postulate Number 3: The boy must like the girl, more than the girl likes the boy, or the long-term date won’t work. True?
Flowers may or not be helpful, but they may not hurt either. This very same important person confided that she prefers a sincere, “Hello.” I have also learned an important lesson on my own: NOW BE QUIET AND LISTEN.
Written by Rod A. Walters
Author of Golden Gremlin
Categories: Guest Blog