It has been a wild and crazy ride to change my life and become a student again. I am close, I mean really close. I am less than a few weeks away from turning in all my gazillion papers and my Master’s thesis in. Oddly enough the emotion I feel the strongest, swirling deep down in my gut…is fear.
Fear of what happens after, whether or not all of this hard work was worth it, so many questions are all wrapped up into one giant, seething ball of emotion. Funny thing is, that’s not what I envisioned at all.
Where does this random fear come from? Great question.
Perhaps Freud would say, ‘Oh ja, it all goes back to when you were potty trained in a room with no windows,’ or Jung would say, ‘You are not sleeping deeply enough to dream.’ I am taking the fifth on both.
The real origin of it is that women my age, (I am forty-eight) are considered less interesting than day old bread, a beach bike with a flat tire, a late model S-10 with a rusted fender…
We could literally have loads of fun with this one, couldn’t we?
But when women reach a certain age there is a ton of negativity towards our worth to the world. It’s tough to watch someone with zero experience get the job you could do with your eyes closed. Or to not have someone attractive flirt with you when they open a door or accidentally run into you with a shopping cart at the grocery store.
I think though the primary fear for me is not about growing older, or not being considered pretty anymore… it’s being considered as a worthwhile part of the conversation, staying connected and being relevant in a world that is in constant motion.
I don’t know if I made the right choice getting a master’s degree because you never really do until you’ve already made it. Ten years from now I will certainly have my answer.
What I do know is that facing my fear of failing, my fear of being able to keep up with everyone in the class and a million other things has made me grow considerably as a writer and a human being. That is pretty cool, right?
At the end of each fear, with hard work and dedication, we have accomplishment. So, three cheers for the next enormous goal and the next, because facing our fears and moving forward is truly where it’s at.
Until next time, Find your Peace, Love, Hustle and then Write xoxo Bibiana
Bibiana Krall is a novelist, short story writer, blogger, graduate student, mother, and wife. WWW.BIBIANAKRALL.COM
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